


Top Shelf D-ealer

by Jayenator565, Natali1798



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Dildo Dealing, F/F, Fluff and Humor, Jealous Clarke, Lexa in glasses because yes, Sex Toys, low key a crack fic, they're both just gay messes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2018-11-10 21:39:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11135199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jayenator565/pseuds/Jayenator565, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natali1798/pseuds/Natali1798
Summary: It's the dildo dealer fic no one asked for but apparently we all need. Inspired by a true story."Did the place you get this from do custom orders or is there like a catalogue?”“I-...I may um this isn’t mine I actually sell these around campus.”“...you sell weapons of ass destruction around campus?”“...Among other things."





	1. Do You Wanna Buy A Dildo?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sincerely_v](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sincerely_v/gifts), [Sajiko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sajiko/gifts).



 

“You need me to what?”

 

“I-well my girlfriend Raven really, needs some help getting rid of these.”

 

Lexa eyed her roommate with a very unimpressed expression as she turned from her laptop to give the older girl her full attention, “Explain to me again how exactly this happened?”

 

Anya huffed but was at least glad Lexa seemed to be listening to her more now, “Ok so Raven and her gaggly group of friends decided to save some money right?”

 

She crossed her arms and sighed, “Sure.”

 

“Right! Anyway they found a great deal online and ordered, but as it turns out, this place they got them from was a warehouse so they only had bulk orders. And, well none of them really trusted the company Raven ordered it from so they may have all bailed and now she needs help selling off the rest so she can hopefully get some money back.” her friend finished explaining like it was just an everyday occurrence for this to happen in their lives.

 

In her life especially this was probably kind of out there, “And that’s why there are currently three large boxes containing nothing but phallic shaped sex toys taking up space in our living room?”

 

“Exactly,” Anya smirked pleased that Lexa was beginning to understand.

 

Lexa sighed pinching the bridge of her nose under her glasses, “How many of those things are even in there and why am I the one that comes to mind with helping to get rid of them?”

 

At that Anya rubbed the back of her neck and laughed nervously, “Huh, never really thought to ask how many there were but you said yourself you wouldn’t mind some extra money little miss marketing major, english lit minor, and Raven was thinking we could cut you a share of like 20% for every sale or something. Dildos easily sell for like fifty bucks a piece depending on the like length and girth, versatility you know things like that. So?” her voice lowered, drawing out the final letter as she looked expectantly at her friend.

 

“Wait,” Lexa said catching on to what Anya was implying, “so these aren’t all just the same copy of sex toy, there’s a variety?”

 

“I meaaannn, they are all definitely dildos of some sort but there is some wild shit in there, not gonna lie. There’s also a few harnesses I think, maybe a vibrator or two.”

 

The brunette looked from Anya to her bedroom door where she could clearly see one of the easily see one of the large U-Haul boxes holding what she could only imagine to be dozens of well dildos. Apparently Raven had switched out the box they had come in with their very lewd advertisements to simple U-Haul boxes she had been keeping flattened under her bed because in her terms, when you’re as gay as she is you never know when you may need some boxes if you know what I mean.

 

Lexa did not, nor did she care to know what was meant.

 

In any case she was not exactly sure what Reyes was implying considering the engineer to be and Anya were already together and Anya practically lived over by Raven anyway but...whatever. She had stopped trying to figure out Raven Reyes a long time ago.

 

“I get 40% of my sales and adequate compensation if we make more than 50% profit to be negotiated at a later date.”

 

The widening of Anya’s eyes was the only indication that she wasn’t sure whether or not Lexa would go for this at all, “Really? Yeah sure, heck you’re doing Raven and me a huge favor in either case. The rest of the boxes are taking up almost her entire guest bedroom and that’s not going to fly when Sinclair comes over for winter break at the end of the year.”

 

Hmm yeah she could imagine the older engineer who had adopted the young and very brilliant woman would not be very pleased to have to spend three weeks in a room surrounded by nothing but dildos. And imagine if they glowed in the dark while he slept….But then again she didn’t know the man personally, for all she knew he may not object and ok maybe now wasn’t the time to ponder what Mr. Sinclair of all people was into behind closed doors.

 

She shuddered, disturbed at where her thoughts had wandered and only then realized Anya was still speaking, “-if anything this could be a great time to experiment yourself. 'Employees' get special discounts and I know Raven and I will definitely be looking through the selection for first pick.”

 

And suddenly she was wishing that she hadn’t tuned back into the conversation.

 

“Trust me I really don’t need to know Ahn.”

 

Turning back to her laptop she opened google and began to research much to Anya's surprise, “Woah woah how about we leave the experimenting to when I’m not in your room,” Lexa only rolled her eyes in response, as if she would look something like that up in front of the woman she viewed as an older sister,

 

“I’m not looking this up for me, if I’m going to do this I’m not going to half-ass it. People are going to want information like materials this stuff was made from, proper hygiene etc… and I intend to be able to answer any and all questions and concerns they have as best I can.”

 

She walked past Anya’s thoughtful form and grabbed one of her knives on the way, cutting easily through the masking tape on the closest box and pulling out what was thankfully a very generic looking dildo, at least from what she knew.

 

It was a bit bright, a fluorescent green color but shape wise it seemed pretty normal at least from the box it was in. Setting it down on her table she began to google determined to get as much information as she could find.

 

“Ok then, great enthusiasm I’ll just uh leave you to it.” Anya shot her an amused thumbs up before leaving to call Raven. With Lexa selling these things they’d probably be rid of the ones in their living room in a couple of weeks.

 

\--

 

The stress of the day had slowly filtered off her shoulders with the final click confirming that her online paper was submitted and she could finally relax a bit having finally caught up with all her assignments and allotted study time. She had gotten ahead actually according to her calendar. Maybe she could finally actually join Octavia at one of those parties the younger girl was constantly begging her to come to.

 

For now though, a nap was the first order of business, she had been going for a solid 29 hours on caffeine and was in desperate need to catch up on her Zzzs.

 

She decided a nice warm bath was probably in order first though considering the bit of sweat that had accumulated under her arms and on her lower back, usually she wouldn’t mind too much but Octavia had been on her about hygiene and how she needed to wash her hair more often. “Ok bath then sleep.”

 

She stripped her clothes off, throwing them in the general direction of her hamper. It was a simple affair, initially she was going to try for a soak in the tub but felt she’d be more likely to fall asleep anyway. A shower would do. She did take a bit of time to rub the grime of the day off her with her washcloth. Showers were a great way to sort out the other things she had to do usually but she found herself oddly free of work for the first time in a while. Perhaps she could catch up on the fanfictions she was subscribed to finally. It had been a long time since that coffee shop one updated….

 

After a relatively fast lather of shampoo and conditioner she was out, one towel wrapped around her body while she used a smaller one to brush through her blonde locks. She really could not be bothered to go through with her hair dryer and brush it out tonight. Good thing tomorrow was the day she didn’t have any lectures scheduled, she only had to see her professor during his office hours and that wasn’t till well after lunch. She could afford to leave it tangled till then.

 

Reasoning it all out in her head she finally pushed the door to her bedroom opened only to be met with Octavia and Raven’s smiling faces on her bed, she may have been more shocked but this was just the way those two had been for as long as she had known them, “...I could have sworn I locked my bedroom door earlier.” she stated in slight exasperation, moving around to grab her panties and the long shirt she usually slept in.

 

“Locks cower before the might of Raven Reyes,” Octavia replied patting Raven affectionately on her thigh.

 

“Ain’t that the truth.” her other friend readily agreed, reaching for a bowl of popcorn that Clarke could have sworn wasn’t sitting between the girls on her bed a second ago but once again this type of thing had happened far too frequently for her to really question it.

 

“Well I’m going to need you guys to move in a second, that bed and I have a date that I suspect will last well into the morning time, best not to wait up.”

 

“Oohh the bed does have some charming features we agree,” the youngest of them began in earnest knowing just how good the foam memory mattress felt from many a night where she was simply too tired to even make the short trip down the hall to her own bed, “buuttt wouldn’t you rather hang with your bestest gal pals instead? Take a night off from studying maybe we could see a movie!”

 

“Oh,” Raven popped up excitedly, “the new Wonder Woman is supposed to be out today, we could totally go in fact, Octavia and I already have tickets.”

 

Octavia sent the engineer a look reading _‘real subtle Reyes.’_ but Raven knew there was really no use beating around the bush with their friend. She would either accept after their pestering or they would compromise with a different outing. Either way they were getting Clarke out of this room one way or another.

 

Clarke eyed them unamused at their plans, “Look guys I’m afraid I’m going to have to cancel on Wonder Woman tonight, I’m running on like zero hours of sleep. I need this.”

 

And it was true the moment they saw her Octavia had spotted the dark circles by her eyes and Raven thought her shoulders seemed hunched in that way they got when she used to pull all-nighters, even on projects that probably weren’t yet due. Sometimes when Clarke got in her work zone she would need someone else nearby to snap her out of it.

 

She responded good-naturedly in mock offense, “Clake, you don’t cancel on Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman cancels on you. And yeah I guess you do kind of look like shit.”

 

Clarke stopped rummaging for some sleep shorts to momentarily shoot her friends the finger with a “fuck off,” under her breath for good measure.

 

Octavia though was a bit more stubborn of the three of them and it had literally been months since Clarke had gone out just for the sake of having fun, “Aw come on Griffin, one night out with us for old time’s sake.”

 

Clarke heaved in a deep breath giving up on the shorts because honestly she had slept in less and turned to face her friends again, “Maybe we can do something this weekend O, I am just really in no condition to enjoy a night out today. Okay?”

 

“Fine but if we’re doing something this weekend it’s going clubbing!”

 

The blonde rolled her eyes and groaned, even though she expected it she was kind of hoping for the movie now that she knew it was an option, “What about Wonder Woman?”

 

“Aw come on Griff, when was the last time you did something fun! Something just spontaneous or exciting? Heck when was the last time you even got off?”

 

“Aca-scuse me?!”

 

Octavia sat on the edge of the bed so she could look her best friend in the eye, “Don’t you Pitch Perfect me, I was the one who had to force you and this one to watch it in the first place.”

 

“I will have you know I am very fun and spontaneous and I get off an adequate number of times.”

 

From the other side of the bed Raven coughed, ”Making love to your hand doesn’t count Griffster.”

 

“Oh yeah well...fuck you too.”

 

“Amazing comeback.”

 

“Awesome.” At Raven and Octavia’s responses Clarke could only roll her eyes, she was tired and verging on the side of cranky, grumpy even.

 

“Yeah yeah I’ll think of something better tomorrow now get. Clarkey needs her sleep. Shhooo.”

It took another minute but soon her bed was vacated save for her own body and her door was once again locked, not that it would deter those two by much.

 

She was fun, she was plenty fun and spontaneous. Screw them she would show them this weekend just how spontaneous she could be.

 

\--

 

“No.”

 

“Aw come on Lexa.”

 

“I adamantly have to refuse Raven.”

 

Admittedly the whole sex toy selling thing hadn’t taken off as fast as she had hoped but there was no way she intended on singing to help get sales going. As if singing would encourage anyone to even approach her. She hadn’t exactly met her first projected estimates but she wasn’t doing badly either. A good quarter of the toys from the first box had been successfully sold. If she started singing well...

 

They’d probably think she’d finally lost it.

 

“Just a small jingle, something to attract the masses like what’s that Disney movie people loved with the ice and the snow and the Adele Dazeem.” Lexa was very tempted to correct her but Raven carried on before she got the chance, “Anyway picture this right like a short Youtube video, some CGI snow all up in there, Lexa enters stage-”

 

At the glare directed at her Raven changed it up, “Anya enters stage left, the music starts and then...Do you want to buy a dildo? Come on let's go and play!” she watched low key impressed at the enthusiasm Raven was pumping into her motions, “I'll always see you afterwards, you’re busy playing with-”

 

“How about we not finish that sentence. If you and Anya want to make a Youtube video go right on ahead but we’re leaving me out of it.” she said making her way towards her next class from where Raven had ambushed her in the quad

 

“Aw come on lexacoon,” Raven draped arm over her shoulder with her winning Reyes grin, “ Anya said you were from Brazil yeah we could even do it multilingual! "Você quer comprar um vibrador? Um nheco nheco quer fazer?! At least think about it!”

 

“I promise you I will most definitely not.” she replied squirming her way out from the enthusiastic mechanical engineering major and continued on to her class. “And technically it’s um dildo not vibrador.”

 

“Yeah yeah have fun in class Lex!” Raven called to the retreating figure

 

From the periphery of her eyes Lexa saw Raven wave her goodbye and take out her phone. Probably to call Anya and inform her that she was out of operation dildo jingle.

 

It was in not paying attention that the arm holding the strap for her messenger bag had knocked into a passing student sending Lexa’s bag falling onto the ground. Fortunately the person in question pulled her into their chest before Lexa suffered the same fate. Unfortunately, when her bag fell one of the dildos she was scheduled to sell after her lecture let out fell as well.

 

"You ladies good?" A passing student asked

 

"All good Jimmy!" the voice of the person holding her up replied, she could feel the vibrations in her chest as her savior took a breath before speaking again. 

 

“Are you ok?” Looking up from her bag Lexa was stunned as blue met green. Her gay ass was hardly prepared to be assaulted by full lips, blue eyes, blonde hair and that cute little mole just under her nose. Yeah needless to say Lexa was feeling very gay in that moment even as the girl holding her close rambled on, checking over her arms for any injuries, “ I am so sorry, such a klutz honestly my friends have threatened to roll me in bubble wrap so many times in the past and I spend an inordinate amount of time in the hospital, not just because I volunteer mind you, usually I’m the one actually in the bed and I am going to shut up now…”

 

The beautiful stranger trailed off noting the dazed look and grew even more worried, “You didn’t hit your head on the wall or something did you?”

 

Lexa shook herself out of it and took a step back hoping the distance would help with the whole forming sentences thing that she seemed to be so desperately lacking.

 

“Uh I? Me? No, no my head is fantastic, brilliant even. Allons-y.”

 

She cringed internally while the blonde giggled though seemed to still be mildly concerned, “Did you just quote the Doctor?”

 

“Doctor Who?” Lexa asked very preoccupied with trying to look anywhere but back at those gleaming baby blues. Well on the plus side this couldn’t get much worse right?

 

“Weapon of ass destruction huh, I guess that’s an accurate name if the picture on the box is anything to go by.”

 

And yup there went the rest of her feeble dignity. Lexa scrambled onto her knees to push the overly large package back into her bag along with her pens and a note book. She was sure her face was as red as the spiderman mug sitting on the desk in her room.

 

“Hey,” the girl said, kneeling down to help with a few pens that had rolled away, “I didn’t mean to embarrass you or anything, it was just kind of very there.”

 

“Oh it’s-”

 

“I mean sex toys are a great way to enhance anyone’s bedroom life,” she said attempting to placate the brunette

 

“But I’m not-”

 

“in fact I was even thinking of buying one myself since according to my friends I could use it. Did the place you get this from do custom orders or is there like a catalogue?”

 

“I-...I may um this isn’t mine I actually sell these around campus.”

 

“...you sell weapons of ass destruction around campus?”

 

“A-among other things, I have to get to class but if you want to meet me for lunch for a full listing of products I’ll be in the campus coffee shop as soon as the lecture is done in an hour and a half?” the suggestion at this point was probably the least weird part of their encounter so far. Business talk, that Lexa could handle.

 

“Oh uh yeah sure that sounds uh awesome. I can meet you there, just have to run off to my professor’s office hours but it shouldn’t take long. I look forward to it er…”

 

The blonde held out her hand to shake and Lexa realized they hadn’t exactly exchanged names, “I’m Lexa.” she said taking the hand offered to her in a firm shake like she was taught.

 

“I’m Clarke, nice to meet you Lexa the dildo dealer.”

 

“Oh I- I can’t really dispute that one.”

 

Clarke chuckled, eyes crinkling in amusement and maybe a bit of something else, “See ya at lunch.”

 

It wasn’t till Clarke had already rounded the corner that Lexa’s hand decided to raise in farewell.

 

“Beautiful girl saves you from falling on your ass and you offer to sell her an assortment of sex toys, yeah real smooth Woods.”

 

Lexa continued to berate herself all through her elective period.

 

 

\--

 

Clarke waited anxiously in her seat running through all the truly horrific things that had flown out of her mouth earlier that afternoon,   _great way to enhance anyone’s bedroom life_ , god she sounded like a cheesy infomercial that showed in cheap motels.

 

And really what business did she have talking about someone’s bedroom life? Her bedroom hadn’t seen any action in...it’s been awhile that she was certain of.  Octavia wasn’t exactly wrong with what she had said last night but she wasn’t altogether right either.

 

The jingle above the door was the only warning she got before long legs and were in her periphery and she had to force her eyes upwards. How was showing that much skin not a crime? Clarke hopped up, though her hands began to awkwardly fidget because on the one hand shaking hands felt a bit too formal and on the other hand she couldn’t very well just go and hug the girl like she does with her friends. They had after all just met.

 

“Hey there double D.” she called in greeting seeing as Lexa still hadn’t spotted her at the corner booth near the back.

 

Walking over the brunette hunched her face into the lapels of her jacket in an attempt to hide her blush, “I don’t suppose double D could stand for designated driver?”

 

The blonde simply smirked, eyes shining, “I think you know the answer to that question.”

 

Lexa sighed, depositing her bag next to the chair and offering Clarke a smile in greeting, “I suppose I do.”

 

She reached down for her purse but was stopped by a hand on her forearm, “Nuh uh, I’m the one imposing on your lunch break so this is going to be my treat, now what are you going to eat and more importantly how do you want your coffee?”

 

The marketing major was astonished by the show of kindness but Clarke seemed very determined and she wouldn’t mind not having to pay for once so she accepted it with a warm grin.”

 

“As dark and bitter as my soul.”

 

“Glass of milk coming right up.”

 

Rolling her eyes in amusement Lexa glanced over at the board, “A ham and cheese sandwich and a mocha work just fine Clarke. Thank you.”

 

With a wink and a sashay Clarke strode up to the counter thankful there wasn’t anyone else in line. Double D yup she was really on a roll this time.

 

“You got a hot date Griffin? You go girl.” she reached across the counter to hit Wells firmly on his arm and hissed, “Will you shush she isn’t my date we’re just here to...discuss some things.”

 

“Ooooh things is that what the kids are calling it nowadays.”

 

“Nowadays what are you fifty?”

 

Sticking out his tongue he presumed to enter her usual order, “I’d have you know I’m pushing sixty, and what is your lady friend having today?”

 

“Just a mocha and one of the sandwiches if you please gramps.”

 

“You got it youngun.”

 

Lexa checked her phone noticing a few unread messages from Anya, probably still hung up on Raven’s plan for a jingle or catchphrase to aid in their recent extracurricular ‘endeavors’.

 

Clarke gracefully sat across from her smiling gently and crossed her legs. “So…” she trailed off awkwardly. Was she actually nervous? If anything Lexa was the one who practically tripped into her. Or maybe it was the buying a sex toy form a random peer off campus that had the blonde fiddling idly with the bracelet on her wrist.

 

“Right, so, there are a number of different items in our stock.” Pulling out her tablet and her glasses Lexa scrolled to the PDF she had made sure to update just the night previous and handed it over to Clarke’s wide eyed expression for perusal.

 

“There are a number of different vibrators, harnesses, butt plugs and dildos. I should forewarn not every dildo will be compatible with the harnesses though that hasn’t stopped people from trying…”Lexa added on with an air of exasperation that was just adorable coupled with her scrunched up nose and the way those lens shifted with her face, “are you looking for something in particular?”

 

Oh right she was supposedly here because of her interest in the ass destructors. Certainly one of her weirder lunch breaks. To be frank though she knew squat about sex toys after the one time she and Wells had found the long red flapping swords as children and were berated by her mother after deciding to run around the front yard pretending to be jedi knights. Needless to say the experience had left some scarring and her immediate reaction to anything resembling red silicon was now a very violent flinch.

 

“Um...well I think a dildo or maybe a vibrator is more my speed,” Hah get it cause vibrators vibrate at different...speeds...anyway, “anyway uh let’s just ignore that, do you have any suggestions?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG SHOUTOUT TO PAO without whom this would not exist
> 
> And to Gillytweed for the title and summary
> 
> Lena for the songs
> 
> Mari and Sara for the translations and of course the entire fam just for the support
> 
> Saji, Kara hope you like it so far


	2. Operation G.L.D.B

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Luna and Operation G.L.D.B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check the end notes for additional NSFW links for the * and all mistakes are my own because I was too tired to read anything over :finger_guns:

 

“Suggestions?”

 

A pink flush appeared on both their necks at the statement, Clarke’s was  because she was just waiting to be swallowed by the ground for such an awful attempt at comedy and Lexa’s was because, well you try to combine the words Clarke and vibrator in your mind and yeah no, now was definitely not the time for those thoughts.

 

She removed her glasses, wiping at an imaginary smudge before the heat of her blushing could cause them to fog.

 

“Uh-er well there’s a few more themed toys you could look into the space dildos for when you want to, quote really fill the void, end quote and the er *poké-moan collection for example has been surprisingly popular,” she didn’t even bother looking up at Clarke’s reaction for that because really, _now_ your brain decides to bring up your nerdiness in the weirdest way possible,

 

“ _They made Pok_ é _mon into weapons of ass destruction,_ ” Clarke whispered horrifically, “That’s like my entire childhood. Wells and I had the largest collection of cards in our neighborhood.”

 

Scratching her neck while distractedly scrolling through her documents Lexa didn’t really think about the next thing out of her mouth-

 

“Technically the pikachu model is the only one really made for anal play. Not that the others couldn’t also be used in that area it’s just not really their primary function...”

 

-until she caught wind of Clarke’s more petrified expression that she could only guess was being directed towards her. Right, shutting up. No pokémoaning for Clarke. Noted.

 

Moving swiftly along

 

“Um maybe more your ‘speed’,” she quickly continued on making hand quotation marks around the word speed in reference to Clarke’s own joke earlier which of course caused the blonde to cringe even more at her own words, “the rabbit type has been a rather popular model, it’s a dildo and vibrator in two. Seems like a nice compromise for those who may be more undecided.”

 

The distinct scent of coffee beans permeated the bubble they had made for themselves in the corner, away from prying ears. It really wouldn’t do to have Lexa’s dealer status be the gossip of their year. Nevermind the fact that it was a relatively huge campus and Lexa could not currently recognise any of the occupants in the small cafe other than the baristas. It was simply that she would rather err on the side of caution than be faced with, professor Kepa for example, catching wind of this kind of conversation.

 

Not that Titus would judge her simply for her new found knowledge of erotic play things. It was more likely that she would be the one having a hard time looking her professor in the eye ever again. And that simply wouldn’t do considering that, as the dean of her college, one day Lexa would have to hold his stare as she finally accepted her diploma...if she finally graduated that is.

 

“A rabbit?”, Clarke cocked her head in curiosity. Thankfully the question was enough to end the brunette’s spiraling tangent at the probability of her graduating and it didn’t hurt that Lexa couldn’t help but think that Clarke’s current look was one of the cutest expressions she had ever seen.

 

The so called dildo dealer fumbled a bit with her tablet hands inexplicably sweaty, and pulled up a picture of one of the more ‘everyday’ looking sex toys, turning it to Clarke so she could see.

 

“The rabbit comes in three sets of colors, aquamarine, violet and a _very_ flourescent green,” Lexa added with a slight wrinkle of her nose that Clarke of course saw due to the fact that she was paying absolutely zero attention to the products she was supposedly interested in buying.

 

“Green not your thing?” She asked eager to learn what she could of the seemingly nerdy girl that dabbled in sales of the not safe for work variety.

 

“It’s not green I have a problem with just this particular shade happens to also glow in the dark.”

 

“Ah, well,” Clarke replied still not looking anywhere near the screen of products but rather at the girl sat beside her, “I think green is getting to be one of my favorite colors.”

 

Lexa looked up to meet Clarke’s warm smile and had to avert her eyes quickly when she felt the tablet begin to slip from her hands. Hurriedly she scrolled to the side hoping her fumble went unnoticed, “U-uh it also comes in two sizes, standard and extra wide for more er, girth.”

 

Following the length of Lexa’s fingers Clarke found herself staring at... _damn_ that thing was practically as wide as her mom’s bedpost, “Wow that is _thick_ , that’s wider than my biceps!” Clarke hissed in disbelief, bringing her head closer as if that would somehow cause the bright green phallus shaped object to shrink. The marketing major couldn’t help but chance a glance around, hoping that the kindly old lady four seats over hadn’t happened to overhear Clarke’s outburst.

 

Turning to back to the blonde, Lexa found herself suddenly much nearer to the other girl than she was originally due to Clarke’s close inspection of the image on her tablet. It seemed she was rendered suddenly deaf, merely at the sudden proximity of Clarke’s lips to her own. Of course she knew the blonde was talking, it was simply that her brain refused to translate the vibrations her ears were hearing from those very, very soft-

 

“I- uh can you repeat?”

 

Rather than look annoyed at having not been heard Clarke still seemed very engaged in figuring out how this particular sex toy worked.

 

“Can that even comfortably get inside someone? It’s what 3 or 4 inches thick? Cot damn I know people like to feel full, or whatever but this seems to be pushing it.”

 

Clearing her throat nervously Lexa scrolled on to the next selection, “Ehem, yes these toys certainly aren’t for everyone, now here we have-”

 

“Lex!”

 

Both girls startled apart, leaving the tablet to fall onto it’s back revealing the image of one very pale, skin tone colored fist which was used for what Clarke could only imagine and- wait did that girl just call Lexa, _Lex._

 

Clarke seemed as taken aback as Lexa was stunned watching this new curly haired, beautifully ripped warrior woman that may have been pulled right out from beside Gal Gadot on the big screen, bring up a chair between the two and reach for the fallen tablet. Her low whistle didn’t go unnoticed by the two.

 

Finally finding her voice Lexa shot an apologetic look at Clarke before snatching her tablet back from her oldest friend, “Luna, kind of busy at the moment.” she breathed tilting her head ever so slightly to indicate that now really was not the time for Luna’s no-idea-of-personal-space antics.

 

The older girl smirked seemingly nonplused at the way she had literally eased her way into the conversation. And by eased Clarke meant practically gouged a hole and implanted herself as the cement filling. Who the heck was this girl anyway?

 

“Aw come on Lex-”

 

Again with the nickname.

 

“You’re never too busy for me.”

 

Clarke didn’t know who this gorgeous specimen of woman was but, attractive or not, something about her didn’t quite sit right with her and it had nothing to do with the way Luna casually slung her arm over the back of Lexa’s chair with the kind of nonchalance that could only be born with familiarity.

 

Nope, definitely wasn’t that at all.

 

Really she didn’t even realize she was glaring at the so-called intruder until she caught Wells out of the corner of her eye mimicking her grumpy face like he’s done since they were preteens.

 

She quickly schooled her expression as this Luna girl seemed to actually acknowledge her existence, “If I may blonide, the fisitng one is all well and good but this one that mimics an Italian hand gesture*, even better. Think fisting with just a bit more reach, and depending on whose fingers they’re modelled after it could be a lot of reach.”

 

Maybe she was reading into it a bit too much but the way Luna casually spread her fingers wide on the table and smirked at the blonde, Clarke couldn’t help but think that this girl who appeared out of nowhere and took over her attempted purchase of a sex toy had just flirted with her.

 

Very much like the beat inside of one of Calvin Harris’ raves, Clarke found her jaw had quite literally dropped as Lexa turned to her time tested and ever reliable facepalm. Leave it to Luna to think that could be used as any kind of pick up line.

 

“Too much?” Lexa felt rather than saw her friend nod absentmindedly at Clarke’s reaction, “next time I’ll just stick to the whole talented with my fingers route.”

 

Ok definitely flirting then.

 

“Cliche maybe, but you never can beat the classics. You know Lex, great thing I happened to bump into you.”

 

Lexa rolled her eyes knowing she very well told Anya who probably told Luna that she may be a bit held up with a potential client.

 

Lexa then turned to shoot Clarke a sheepish smile as Luna began to dig into Lexa’s sandwich, she was always more of a share the love type despite Lexa’s more stoic and standoffish stance on other humans interacting with where her mouth had been.

 

Taking back her sandwich with a glare Lexa attempted to compose her face back into something that looked more neutral and less like, I’m about to strangle my oldest friend.

 

“Yes such a pleasure that we randomly seemed to bump into each other,” the sarcasm wasn’t lost on anyone, “now can I help you with something Luna? I really am doing something right now.” she scolded.

 

Looking properly chastised Luna turned and held out her hand with a small smile to the girl whose meeting she had just admittedly kinda rudely interrupted.

 

“Sorry I can be a bit ‘overly-friendly’ according to the nerdy one,” she stage whispered while pointing at Lexa, “my name’s Luna, she/her pronouns.”

 

Clarke couldn’t help but smile back at the genuine warmth and happiness she could feel  exuding from the curly haired brunette, “It was a very unexpected entrance but it’s nice to meet you. I’m Clarke also she/her pronouns.”

 

“Hmm Clarke,” the English Lit major leaned forward suddenly very intrigued. A blonde haired, blue eyed girl named Clarke with a lovely curvy figure, “I love your name, not too many Clarke’s around campus. You wouldn’t happen to know a Raven would you?”

 

“Raven Reyes from engineering?,” at Luna’s nod Clarke’s grinned widened,  “Yeah she was my roommate since Sophomore year.”

 

Lexa perked up from where she was trying to bore holes into the back of Luna’s head.

 

“Wait you know Raven?” she asked, leaning over Luna so she could meet Clarke’s eyes.

 

“Yeah she’s one of my closest friends. How do you two know Raven?” she pointed at both of them in surprise.

 

Clarke of course, the infamous Clarke Griffin. Wow Lexa how many girls named Clarke could there possibly be on campus? Obviously it didn’t take a genius to figure out the only Clarke she would meet would be the one Raven kept telling her and Anya about.

 

With Clarke’s full attention back on her Lexa felt her sudden courage to ‘lightly’ nudge Luna out of the way was waning.

 

“Oh well um she’s dating my uh, my Anya.”

 

“Your Anya?”

 

“I- I meant my roommate whose name is….Anya.” she finished lamely

 

Luna caught onto Lexa’s vibe pretty quickly. The fiddling with her weird necklace of a golden gear that her nan had given her, the slight flush on her neck, the way she could only meet Clarke’s eyes for seconds at a time. Oh little Lexy had a crush on one lovely pre-med student, if Luna remembered correctly from what Raven had told her.

 

Aaanndd if she wasn’t mistaken miss blonde and beautiful was shooting some major heart eyes at her ever oblivious friend.

 

“Well what a small world we live in huh kids?” Luna casually turned her face from Clarke shooting a non too subtle wink towards her friend. Lexa opened her eyes wide not knowing what Luna was trying to get across but figuring it would be best she never find out.

 

Warily Lexa started, “Luna I don’t-”

 

“Leeex I need to visit your stock room, Anya says your the best one to advise me on what kind of harness to get.”

 

“Well, I mean- I suppose after Clarke and I-”

 

“Great! So off to your room. Clarke, don’t you think it would be much better for you to actually see what you may be buying? Sometimes seeing something can make it a lot less daunting than just viewing it on a screen. I know I had to purchase my first sex toy from a small local shop because the stuff on the internet was really starting to freak me out.”

 

Half-expecting Luna to drag Lexa away from her Clarke was pleasantly surprised at the invitation and the logic behind it. She was also kind of tempted to glimpse these poke-moan toys in all their glory despite the nightmares she may suffer from them.

 

“I...If it’s alright with you Lexa I wouldn’t mind actually seeing some of these in all their ass destroying glory,” smirking she added, “and I don’t have any major plans today anyway.”

 

Lexa swallowed nodding in agreement with Luna and Clarke’s eyes on her and made to stand up, “Well then off to my room I guess.”

 

\--

 

 **Luna made** **_Operation G.L.D.B_ **

 

**Luna set the channel purpose: Get Lexa Da Booti**

 

 **Cheekbones joined** _**#Operation G.L.D.B** _ **by invitation from @Luna, along with @RayRay**

 

**Cheekbones|Seken Kom Heda| [1:39 PM]**

Wth why did you make a new slack channel? You know how Lexa likes organization ‘within reason’. Wait is this a private channel?

 

**Luna |theresmoregayesinthesea [1:40 PM]**

Incoming, the baby gay finally has a crush we can make happen

 

**Cheekbones|Seken Kom Heda| [1:42 PM]**

Wait

Like legit? 

 

**RayRay |RavenForPresident [1:43 PM]**

What’s this about the baby gay graduating into a teenie booper gay? 

Luna? 

@Luna

You can’t leave us hanging after dropping that bomb and GLDB? We can do better fam

 

**Luna |theresmoregayesinthesea [1:43 PM]**

Sorry we are on our way to Lexa and Anya’s can’t really talk too much without the lil heda noticing. anf idk Rae I used the 1st channel name i could think of. You pick it.

 

**RayRay |RavenForPresident [1:44 PM]**

Gladly

And who is the lucky girl our Lexy has a crush on?

 

**Luna |theresmoregayesinthesea [1:45 PM]**

Would you believe it’s one now retired party girl griffin?

 

Leaving the slack app on her phone to the buzzes of what she was sure were Anya and Raven freaking out over her newest revelation Luna went back to casually observing the two young women who seemed to naturally drift towards one another as they walked and talked. 

 

Now Luna had no problem with getting close to people physically, she admitted she was a very hands on kind of person and Clarke, though shy now, seemed to be just the same in the way she saw her constantly move her left hand back from where it seemed the blonde wanted to brush Lexa’s arm. 

 

Lexa, normally a lot more reserved especially around people she just met didn’t even seem to notice how much she was beaming at the girl beside her. 

 

Well, this was going to be very interesting indeed. For her anyway.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAH did I say this was gonna be 2 chapters? Guess again! ;-; 
> 
> Poke-moan - https://geekysextoys.com/product/pokemoan-dildo-range-gotta-get-em-all/
> 
> Italian hand gesture - https://www.amazon.com/Doc-Johnson-Belladonna-Forearm-Vaginal/dp/B001IV5I5W/ref=pd_sim_121_1?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B001IV5I5W&pd_rd_r=7217RY3BDWJ1QVS6ZCSE&pd_rd_w=YPhdj&pd_rd_wg=qndW8&psc=1&refRID=7217RY3BDWJ1QVS6ZCSE


	3. Chapter 3

“Oh thank goodness Woods you are a lifesaver the material on this is so smooth, the old harness just kept coming loose and chafing,” Luna lamented, rubbing the side of her hips. She had to wear loose fitting sweats to class for days after the last time she used her old harness, “it was rubbing in all the wrong areas if you know what I mean...or maybe it’s best if you don’t know.”

Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose in exasperation, “On that, we agree.”

Luna scoffed, “Anyone would be blessed to know.”

“Yes, I’m sure the doctors feel absolutely hashtag blessed when they get students complaining of irritation due to strap on harnesses.”

Clarke really did try to muffle the chuckles behind her hand, but Luna reminded her of a certain engineering major she knew who also felt she was blessed by Aphrodite herself.

“Anyway Clarke, sorry about her, but here are some of the products that we were discussing earlier.”

Clarke happily watched as Lexa bent down under her bed and hefted one of those medium sized U-Haul boxes onto her desk. Hmm, suddenly Clarke felt like she could very much be a butt person. The biceps she could see flexing through Lexa’s well fitted long sleeve shirt was just a bonus. It was clearly labeled ‘VIBRATORS’ in large black ink.

Opening the box Lexa then pulled out three smaller boxes with varying lengths. From the smaller box, she pulled out three objects.

Picking up the smallest one Lexa held it out so Clarke’s inspection, “So before we were interrupted,” she side-eyed Luna friend who now seemed to be texting someone, “I was going to tell you about vibes.” She gestured to the small bullet shaped purple object in her hand.

“Now this is a very common type of vibe. Normally these will be called eggs or bullets because of their shapes.” she picked up the vibe to show Clarke that it was attached to a type of string made from the same silicone as the vibe to allow it to easily be pulled out of ‘places’. She also tried desperately not to think of those ‘places’ in connection with Clarke. Wow was it hot in here?

“Um s-so this is made of a body safe silicone, it is waterproof, so water-based lubricants are recommended, Li-ion rechargeable batteries and comes with a controller to turn it off or on and control the intensity settings.”

Technical talk, yes, this she could do. She had studiously looked up these products for a reason.

“The body or egg itself is about 2.36 inches in length, 1.30 inches in width and 1.30 inches in height-”

“How far away does the remote work from?” While the item specifications were helpful Clarke was a bit more curious about the err more creative uses she could imagine.

Lexa’s brows furrowed at the halt in her tangent, “If I remember correctly anywhere from 20-30 feet away?”

 

\--

 

**RayRay renamed** **_Operation G.L.D.B to Operation CLEXA_ **

**RayRay** **set the channel purpose:** Purpose:  **Get Lil Woods and Griffster together**

**Cheekbones|Seken Kom Heda| [2:18 PM]**

...Clexa? What’s wrong with Lexark?

**RayRay |RavenForPresident [2:19 PM]**

We can take suggestions later grumpy cat

**Luna |theresmoregayesinthesea [2:19 PM]**

Guys! GUYS Lexa is rambling on about the kind of silicone vibrators are made from XD I’ve never seen Woods look so flustered in her life. I think she may pass out from dehydration

**RayRay |RavenForPresident [2:20 PM]**

Help a girl out Luna! Don’t let Lexie die from thirst, she’s too young!

**Luna |theresmoregayesinthesea [2:21 PM]**

What should I do!?!

**Cheekbones|Seken Kom Heda| [2:21 PM]**

Don’t  _ do  _ anything, I have faith in my sister

**Luna |theresmoregayesinthesea [2:21 PM]**

I think your faith may be a little misplaced

**Voice note 1221_31: Now this one has about five different levels of intensity ranging from two to fifteen rotations per second. It is highly suggested that a condom be used with rabbits like this as there have been many online customer complaints about the time it can take to clean all the ridges and curves along the body.**

**Luna |theresmoregayesinthesea [2:22 PM]**

It’s like a high-key more informative sex ed class in here.

**RayRay |RavenForPresident [2:22 PM]**

What was that about having faith, Anya?

**Cheekbones|Seken Kom Heda| [2:22 PM]**

:face_palm: God dammit Lexa

**RayRay |RavenForPresident [2:23 PM]**

Luna, we’re going to need an intervention ASAP before Clarke actually falls asleep on us. Have you guys eaten? Food is always a great distraction

**Luna |theresmoregayesinthesea [2:24 PM]**

I did kind of interrupt their lunch

Good call Rae

 

\--

Pocketing her phone Luna smirked. With Anya and Raven in on this there was no way they wouldn’t at least get Lexa and Clarke to go on a date before the week was done.

\--

 

Lexa was startled when an arm grappled around her neck, temporarily cutting off not only her airway but also her thought process.

“Blondie, Woods!” and the yelling that was directed into her ear canal certainly helped to cut off her hearing. Sometimes she really wondered how Luna was one of her oldest friends.

Deep breaths Woods, deep breaths

“Rivers, I thought you would leave since you’re all sorted with the harness.” she managed to bite out through her clenched jaw.

Clarke on her part was highly amused at the mocking gestures Lexa couldn’t see her friend making behind her back.

From Luna’s cheeky grin Lexa could tell the older girl knew exactly how annoyed she was becoming, “Well I was going to leave but then I started feeling kind of bad about making you guys leave lunch early and figured I at least owed you a makeup lunch.”

Luna turned her grin to the other girl in the room, “So Griffin how do you feel about pizza? Specifically, pineapples on pizza? I've had a weird aversion to pineapple ever since a girl that I was having sex with produced a pineapple shaped dildo one night, and actually said to me,” Luna’s voice when high pitched in what Clarke assumed was a poor imitation of the woman in her story, “ ‘It's ok, it's waterproof’ like that was the deal breaker, I mean the girth of that thing was-”

“Luna!” Lexa hissed horrified, “for goodness sakes that anecdote is hardly appropriate.”

“You deal dildos from your apartment to wayward horny college students, I doubt any of this is ‘hardly appropriate’ little miss ‘sense and sensibility’.” She added finger quotes around the last few words to emphasize her point much to Lexa’s chagrin.

Clarke was becoming both more amused and endeared by the two friends antics and she totally didn’t think Lexa’s pout was the cutest thing she’d ever seen. Definitely not.

“Mockery isn’t-”

“The product of a strong mind, or so you keep telling me but I dunno, my full ride scholarship would beg to differ, and anyway we’re getting off track here. So Clarke,” Luna turned her exuberant energy away from the grumpy gay mush and towards the lovely blonde Lexa was failing horribly at seducing. Not that she knew she was supposed to be seducing said blonde but they would cover that later because clearly, the poor girl was clueless as to the heart eyes Clarke kept directing her way.

“As I was saying, pizza toppings, please tell me you’re ok with no pineapples I’ve been scarred enough.”

Lexa scoffed loudly behind her but she was only exaggerating a little bit ok, “Hey that pineapple shaped sex toy was far too wide to be going near anyone’s vagina. Let alone my own. I’m sure there are some people with a size kink that are into it as you can tell from some of your sales Lexa-”

“Pfft wha-”

“-but you know personally that just isn’t for me. If anything I’m impressed by the ones that manage to get it in you know?”

She gestured to Clarke with her hands trying to show her just how round and large the sex toy had been when it seemed Lexa had finally had enough.

“Luna for the love of god we get it! Please just order the damn pizza with or without the fucking pineapples!”

And ok sexy girl has a sexy growl and you know Clarke never really was a bottom but in this instance, she may just consider it. Maybe. Most definitely.

Luna smirked pulling out her phone with a bit of smugness in her victory, not only at Lexa losing her cool but also because she dared to hope there was a bit of jealousy behind the annoyance she could read in her best friend’s eyes. She had been standing rather close and capturing most of Clarke’s attention in the hopes that Lexa would intervene in some way. This worked just fine.

“So pepperoni, green peppers and corn sound good?”, she looked over just in time to notice the way Clarke was looking Lexa up and down, she was subtle but it seemed like Clarke would also be in need of a cool refreshing beverage for all that thirst.

“...maybe some lemonade, all this talking certainly must have us thirsty.” Clarke's eyes snapped away from Lexa’s lips and up to Luna’s knowing smile. Realizing she was caught she blushed lightly and managed a nod.

Lexa was too busy huffing obscenities under her breath to do anything other than give a short nod of her own, “Now if you don’t mind Luna, I’m trying to help my client.”

“Oh, yea of course Woods. You do you and I will wait for the pizza on the couch.”

True to her word and legitimately a bit tired from all that meddling, playing cupid was not easy when they’re as clueless as Lexa Woods, Luna left the two girls to continue their perusal of the different assortment of sex toys in Lexa’s room.

Lexa composed herself as best as she could and gestured for Clarke to take a seat at her desk, “I really am sorry about just...her. She’s a very outgoing personality and sometimes has trouble with filtering whatever happens to run through her brain.”

Thankfully if anything Clarke didn’t seem offended by the crudeness that had escaped Luna’s mouth, either that or the smile on her face was just a really good attempt at being polite.

“It’s not a problem Lexa really. She seems nice.” Clarke tried placating the obvious agitation she could see still thrumming in the tick in Lexa’s clenched jaw and the way her fingers seemed unable to stay stop fidgeting with her rainbow wristband. She picked up the closest thing to her which just happened to be some kind of string with 3 balls attached to it.

“What is  _ this _ ?”

“Oh uh,” Lexa watched almost entranced as Clarke attempted to make a bracelet with the ben wa balls around her wrist. With a barely contained giggle, she took the balls away from Clarke’s curious hands.

“That’s another kind of sex toy, ben wa balls, you kind of place it into yourself like this,” grabbing the leading ball she pushed her hand up to demonstrate, “because they are slightly weighted, while inside even the smallest movement can cause the balls to adjust and er stroke your inner walls and then, of course, the string helps to pull them out. I’ve heard it’s very pleasurable.”

“Oh, I bet…” Clarke murmured under her breath. Her eyes were fixated on where Lexa was subconsciously rolling the balls around in her fingers. It only took her a moment to decide that any girl having fingers that long should actually be illegal. “Have you tried any of these toys yourself?” the blonde asked as innocently as she could. If a question like that could even be considered innocent.

Lexa sputtered for a second on air as her brain short-circuited for the split second it usually took for her to inhale. Deep breaths Lexa, that’s it. It’s a completely normal question, all this girl knows about her is that she has an extensive collection of sex toys for sale. It would stand reason that a normal university undergrad would have one for themselves as well. It was a perfectly healthy practice.

“Uuuhhh…” it was perfectly normal and yet she couldn’t bring herself to even begin to talk about the fact that while it may be the norm for most she was in the minority, “I actually haven’t- I don’t...what I mean to say is that I um-”

“Hey,” Clarke stood up to grab her hand from where Lexa was sure to start irritating the skin around her wristband in an attempt to soothe her, “It’s fine if you do or if you don’t and you are by no means obligated to tell me. Sometimes my curiosity just gets the better of me and you know what they say about that damn cat just keeps on dying.” she giggled nervously and it was in that instance of semi-awkward rambling that Lexa finally realized that Clarke seemed to be as nervous as she was.

She also finally realized that again the two had somehow gotten closer together without her immediately noticing. Lexa swallowed attempting to get some moisture into her suddenly dry throat as smoldering blue eyes pierced into her own. Just one step would put her and Clarke close enough to...to what exactly?

“Clarke…,” She watched as the blonde inhaled and looked like she was about to drift closer until the doorbell pulled them out of whatever moment they were having. Clarke had to blink her eyes a few times and pull her gaze away from the very inviting lips in front of her.

The two girls blushed brightly and shyly looked away when a loud, “Sup bitches!” echoed through the small apartment and Lexa glared knowing damn well whose voice that was. Forgetting her sudden shyness Lexa marched towards the living room fully intent on informing Anya’s girlfriend that they had  _ neighbors _ with  _ children  _ who she’s sure would hardly appreciate her yelling obscenities in the middle of the day.

“Raven,” the engineering major in question pulled away from the brief greeting hug that Luna had bestowed her with and turned all the mischief she could muster into her grin as she saw Lexa walk out of her bedroom followed by a blushing blonde Clarke Griffin. Ohhh had she interrupted something? She hoped she did because Anya was convinced her sister was actually a hopeless case of being a useless lesbian after Luna sent them the voice recording.

“Hey there lil Woods. Has Commander Lexa come out to play?” she teasingly mimicked the stern gaze, hands on hips, stature Lexa had taken up.

“Commander? Oh hey Rae.”

“Griffster!”

Lexa raised her brows in surprise to learn that Clarke seemed to know Raven quite well if their large smiles were anything to go by.

“I didn’t know you knew Anya’s sister Griffin, you sly dog you.” Clarke cocked her head at that.

“Anya’s sister? I thought her name was Alexandria...oohhh, Lexa is the mysterious Alexandria Woods huh?”

Clarke turned her large grin onto the brunette in question it was all Lexa could do to sheepishly smile back. She stuffed her hands into her pockets and scuffed the floor with her toes, suddenly embarrassed for no reason other than a pretty girl’s smile.

Yup, Anya, Raven, and Luna collectively agreed, she was definitely, one-hundred percent, hopeless. Luckily for them, operation CLEXA was officially underway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is operation CLEXA? What do Raven, Anya and Luna have planned and will Clarke ever actually get a sex toy? 
> 
> Tune in next time to find out. Sorry for the wait guys, Meghan Trainor's No Excuses on loop for the past three hours was surprisingly good motivation.
> 
> And a happy birthday to Pao, this would never exist without you


End file.
